you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
