I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
