i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
