i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I need a beard to bite.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
