So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Is it penis luge time yet?
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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