Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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