Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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