how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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