So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
