I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
