I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
