Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
only if we run a train.
done.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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