I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
