I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
