And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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