Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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