He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
