Whod you bang
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
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