I want to have your abortion
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize