Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
it's like heaven, but drunker
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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