just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
