after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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