U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
