I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
