I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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