I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I am naked and annoyed.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
