I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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