Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
