I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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