dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
