I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
