Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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