ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
