I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
