Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
After last night, I could never be a politician.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
