Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Actions speak louder than pants.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
