saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
