I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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