BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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