I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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