i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
