Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
