i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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