Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
