I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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