Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
