I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
