goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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