Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I skipped work to stalk him.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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