So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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