By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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