I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
