just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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