I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
