my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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