I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
