I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
