Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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