He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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