Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Let's get the cat blown out
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
