When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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