Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
This baby is an asshole
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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