Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
