A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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