The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Randomize
