i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
