im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
