Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize