someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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