I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize