I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
No subtext here. People are naked.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
