When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
