what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
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