I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
