Betty ford says i'm here all night
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Randomize
