i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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