I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
