maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
